Things That Bug Me

Why don't iPods have two headphone jacks? No. Really. Can't you already picture the hipster-ass superimposed-pencil drawing lovey-dovey commercials that would be associated with this amazing and altogether forward thinking product?

Another thing that bugs me is the fact that we have cockroaches in my apartment. They are sort of small for cockroaches and if they weren't so revolting I might even think that they're cute. First off, they are shaped almost perfectly like the capital letter D. And they have inquisitive little antennae. I am fond of antennae. I think they are useful appendages and sometimes I even  wish I had some of my own. Then I remember that I want a boyfriend and I am grateful that I don't have antennae.

So I have cockroaches and I spray raid all over the place and I am going to buy traps next week sometime when I get a chance. However, a friend of mine suggested that I buy a gecko and have it eat all of the cockroaches which I thought was a rather brilliant solution because I like having pets. I had even prepared a list of potential names when I finally had a chance to call up the pet store(s) in my locale:

1. Sir Speedy
2. El Gecko
3. Phillip
4. Monster Pants
5. Murdock

However, after 10+ phone calls to a variety of pet stores and 1 additional message from my roommate politely requesting that we *not* get a gecko, I was finally dissuaded from the idea. However, that doesn't stop me from sharing some of the informative discussions I had with representatives from different PetCos all over the city.

I am usually a very talkative and entertaining person (at least...people lead me to believe so by laughing at things that I say--which may be just a ruse to get me to go away because I am always neurotic in stores...no really, one time I was in Target and I told a Target employee that they need to print up maps for their customers and label the aisles with street names or something because the stores are overwhelming HAVE YOU BEEN TO A TARGET LATELY?) so I was on the phone with representatives of PetCo (where the pets go) and it didn't occur to me until later that the following statements might *not* be the best things to say to people who are employed/evaluated based on their love of animals:

1. I don't have a gecko tank. I plan on letting it sleep under the fridge.
2. It needs food? Can't it just eat the ants and the cockroaches?
3. If I step on it then I'll just get another gecko, I guess.
4. $30.00? Seriously? Well I guess that's cheaper than an exterminator...

Two of my favorite Lizard Customer Service Representatives were at the Clybourn and the Halsted locations.


Clybourn

Me: I was told by another representative at a different store that you have crested geckos.
Clybourn: Yes! We have 4 left!
Me: And they eat cockroaches right?
Clybourn: OH! NO!
Me:....what do they eat then?
Clybourn: Well, I feed mine baby food.


Halsted
Me: Hi I'm looking for geckos that eat cockroaches.
Halsted: Well...how big are these cockroaches?
Me: Oh not so big. I mean like...big enough to feed a hungry gecko.
Halsted: Well...how are you getting these roaches into the tank?
Me:...tank?
Halsted: You need to keep geckos in a tank.
Me: Oh right because of the heat thing or whatever. No I was just going to let it loose in the kitchen and keep a heating lamp someplace in the apartment.
Halsted: Well...if you release it into your house you might never see it again.
Me: Uhhh, I'm sort of okay with that as long as it's eating the roaches.
Halsted: .....
Me: ......
Halsted: Well you know, geckos only eat things that move. So, if the roaches are smart enough not to move while the gecko is around he won't even eat them.
Me: IIIII'm actually quite certain that the roaches aren't that smart.
Halsted: Well you have to consider that roaches have a lot of diseases. And the gecko could get sick.
Me: Well...I'd rather the *gecko* get the diseases and not me. I mean...the roaches are in MY apartment.
Halsted: Listen, have you considered that if you let this little gecko loose in your house you might STEP ON HIM?
Me: Yeah.
Halsted: ....
Me: Well...I can always get another gecko, right?