I believe in one god. And that god is sandwiches.
Sandwiches are perfect. They are form without content. They are interactive. They fit in my lunch box. You are never alone when you have a sandwich. One of my cockamamie schemes for later-in-life-accomplishments is to set aside 1 calendar year and make a different kind of sandwich every single day. And then blog about it, obviously.
Think about all the permutations available to a sandwich:
(* optional ingredient)
1. Bread
2. Primary meat
3. Secondary meat *
4. Primary spread
5. Secondary spread *
6. Leafy thing
7. Token vegetable so you don't feel so guilty
8. Secondary vegetable because you're a good person *
9. Tertiary vegetable because you are a vegetarian/vegan/skilled sandwich creator *
And really we haven't even talked about sweet sandwiches which have a slightly different break down:
1. Bread
2. Primary spread
3. Secondary spread *
4. Primary fruit *
5. Secondary fruit *
In some ways, the sweet sandwich is more versatile than the savory, simply because you can just take some bread, smear it with something delicious and you have effectively created a meal.
I don't need a calculator to tell me that sandwiches are amazing. But if I did have a calculator (and knew what stupid function I would need to do this) I could tell you how many different kinds of sandwiches are possible in the world. But be assured. It is many.
As long as we're on the subject of sandwiches and this blog is all about me -- oh, fancy that! -- I may as well tell you my most favorite sandwich in the whole world:
Now, for me, tuna is a divine occurrence. I have actually over dosed on tuna (another story for another day). It is a family favorite, a cultural practice, a way of thinking about the world. It is also rife with contradiction because I really hate the idea of mayonnaise so I have to pretend that there isn't any in my tuna fish when I order it out. You see, like any great passion, my love of tuna is a turbulent emotional event.
So my favorite sandwich is a tuna sandwich. But not just any tuna sandwich. It is The Tuna Sandwich. Which is made as follows:
1. Tuna
2. on rye
3. with lettuce
4. tomato
5. red onion
6. and provolone cheese
7. could I get mustard on that? What kinds do you have?
8. Oh! and a pickle, please.
Proportions may vary. Which fine because variety is the spice of life.
Pickles forever,
Love,
Mackenzie
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Things That Bug Me
Why don't iPods have two headphone jacks? No. Really. Can't you already picture the hipster-ass superimposed-pencil drawing lovey-dovey commercials that would be associated with this amazing and altogether forward thinking product?
Another thing that bugs me is the fact that we have cockroaches in my apartment. They are sort of small for cockroaches and if they weren't so revolting I might even think that they're cute. First off, they are shaped almost perfectly like the capital letter D. And they have inquisitive little antennae. I am fond of antennae. I think they are useful appendages and sometimes I even wish I had some of my own. Then I remember that I want a boyfriend and I am grateful that I don't have antennae.
So I have cockroaches and I spray raid all over the place and I am going to buy traps next week sometime when I get a chance. However, a friend of mine suggested that I buy a gecko and have it eat all of the cockroaches which I thought was a rather brilliant solution because I like having pets. I had even prepared a list of potential names when I finally had a chance to call up the pet store(s) in my locale:
1. Sir Speedy
2. El Gecko
3. Phillip
4. Monster Pants
5. Murdock
However, after 10+ phone calls to a variety of pet stores and 1 additional message from my roommate politely requesting that we *not* get a gecko, I was finally dissuaded from the idea. However, that doesn't stop me from sharing some of the informative discussions I had with representatives from different PetCos all over the city.
I am usually a very talkative and entertaining person (at least...people lead me to believe so by laughing at things that I say--which may be just a ruse to get me to go away because I am always neurotic in stores...no really, one time I was in Target and I told a Target employee that they need to print up maps for their customers and label the aisles with street names or something because the stores are overwhelming HAVE YOU BEEN TO A TARGET LATELY?) so I was on the phone with representatives of PetCo (where the pets go) and it didn't occur to me until later that the following statements might *not* be the best things to say to people who are employed/evaluated based on their love of animals:
1. I don't have a gecko tank. I plan on letting it sleep under the fridge.
2. It needs food? Can't it just eat the ants and the cockroaches?
3. If I step on it then I'll just get another gecko, I guess.
4. $30.00? Seriously? Well I guess that's cheaper than an exterminator...
Two of my favorite Lizard Customer Service Representatives were at the Clybourn and the Halsted locations.
Clybourn
Me: I was told by another representative at a different store that you have crested geckos.
Clybourn: Yes! We have 4 left!
Me: And they eat cockroaches right?
Clybourn: OH! NO!
Me:....what do they eat then?
Clybourn: Well, I feed mine baby food.
Halsted
Me: Hi I'm looking for geckos that eat cockroaches.
Halsted: Well...how big are these cockroaches?
Me: Oh not so big. I mean like...big enough to feed a hungry gecko.
Halsted: Well...how are you getting these roaches into the tank?
Me:...tank?
Halsted: You need to keep geckos in a tank.
Me: Oh right because of the heat thing or whatever. No I was just going to let it loose in the kitchen and keep a heating lamp someplace in the apartment.
Halsted: Well...if you release it into your house you might never see it again.
Me: Uhhh, I'm sort of okay with that as long as it's eating the roaches.
Halsted: .....
Me: ......
Halsted: Well you know, geckos only eat things that move. So, if the roaches are smart enough not to move while the gecko is around he won't even eat them.
Me: IIIII'm actually quite certain that the roaches aren't that smart.
Halsted: Well you have to consider that roaches have a lot of diseases. And the gecko could get sick.
Me: Well...I'd rather the *gecko* get the diseases and not me. I mean...the roaches are in MY apartment.
Halsted: Listen, have you considered that if you let this little gecko loose in your house you might STEP ON HIM?
Me: Yeah.
Halsted: ....
Me: Well...I can always get another gecko, right?
Another thing that bugs me is the fact that we have cockroaches in my apartment. They are sort of small for cockroaches and if they weren't so revolting I might even think that they're cute. First off, they are shaped almost perfectly like the capital letter D. And they have inquisitive little antennae. I am fond of antennae. I think they are useful appendages and sometimes I even wish I had some of my own. Then I remember that I want a boyfriend and I am grateful that I don't have antennae.
So I have cockroaches and I spray raid all over the place and I am going to buy traps next week sometime when I get a chance. However, a friend of mine suggested that I buy a gecko and have it eat all of the cockroaches which I thought was a rather brilliant solution because I like having pets. I had even prepared a list of potential names when I finally had a chance to call up the pet store(s) in my locale:
1. Sir Speedy
2. El Gecko
3. Phillip
4. Monster Pants
5. Murdock
However, after 10+ phone calls to a variety of pet stores and 1 additional message from my roommate politely requesting that we *not* get a gecko, I was finally dissuaded from the idea. However, that doesn't stop me from sharing some of the informative discussions I had with representatives from different PetCos all over the city.
I am usually a very talkative and entertaining person (at least...people lead me to believe so by laughing at things that I say--which may be just a ruse to get me to go away because I am always neurotic in stores...no really, one time I was in Target and I told a Target employee that they need to print up maps for their customers and label the aisles with street names or something because the stores are overwhelming HAVE YOU BEEN TO A TARGET LATELY?) so I was on the phone with representatives of PetCo (where the pets go) and it didn't occur to me until later that the following statements might *not* be the best things to say to people who are employed/evaluated based on their love of animals:
1. I don't have a gecko tank. I plan on letting it sleep under the fridge.
2. It needs food? Can't it just eat the ants and the cockroaches?
3. If I step on it then I'll just get another gecko, I guess.
4. $30.00? Seriously? Well I guess that's cheaper than an exterminator...
Two of my favorite Lizard Customer Service Representatives were at the Clybourn and the Halsted locations.
Clybourn
Me: I was told by another representative at a different store that you have crested geckos.
Clybourn: Yes! We have 4 left!
Me: And they eat cockroaches right?
Clybourn: OH! NO!
Me:....what do they eat then?
Clybourn: Well, I feed mine baby food.
Halsted
Me: Hi I'm looking for geckos that eat cockroaches.
Halsted: Well...how big are these cockroaches?
Me: Oh not so big. I mean like...big enough to feed a hungry gecko.
Halsted: Well...how are you getting these roaches into the tank?
Me:...tank?
Halsted: You need to keep geckos in a tank.
Me: Oh right because of the heat thing or whatever. No I was just going to let it loose in the kitchen and keep a heating lamp someplace in the apartment.
Halsted: Well...if you release it into your house you might never see it again.
Me: Uhhh, I'm sort of okay with that as long as it's eating the roaches.
Halsted: .....
Me: ......
Halsted: Well you know, geckos only eat things that move. So, if the roaches are smart enough not to move while the gecko is around he won't even eat them.
Me: IIIII'm actually quite certain that the roaches aren't that smart.
Halsted: Well you have to consider that roaches have a lot of diseases. And the gecko could get sick.
Me: Well...I'd rather the *gecko* get the diseases and not me. I mean...the roaches are in MY apartment.
Halsted: Listen, have you considered that if you let this little gecko loose in your house you might STEP ON HIM?
Me: Yeah.
Halsted: ....
Me: Well...I can always get another gecko, right?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Supermarket
Fortune smiled on me when I moved to Bridgeport (go White Sox!) this past July. I live half a block away from all of the following: A tailor's, a supermarket, a public library, and 2 thrift stores. My roommate works like 8 jobs and I don't have many friends in the city right now. As a result, I have the evenings all to myself to curl my lips around a few shots of vodka/gin/whatever is in the freezer or a cheap bottle of wine. I have a pretty nice stereo and it plays me music that I like. It even has a remote. So, cooking becomes a full-on party. But we should start at the beginning. The supermarket I shop at is Halsted Foods and I like them for the following reasons:
Things I Like About Halsted Foods
1. Overall, they are cheap. Except when it comes to butter and eggs. Which is weird but I'm lazy and the produce/canned goods are *so* reasonable. 99 cents for an avocado!
2. The people who work there are all really nice teenagers. As such, they usually laugh when I tell them stupid jokes. Which is gratifying.
3. It is small-ish. I inherited my mother's attention span and therefore I have a difficult time staying on task in major supermarket branches. I usually end up talking to myself in a Russian or German accent just to keep from freaking the fuck out. Also... that goddamned music. Seriously, you can't even imagine how stressed out I was when I realized I was in a Target that also sold groceries.
4. Halsted sells the brand of pickles that I like. Though lately I've been pickling my own veggies.
Things I Don't Like About Halsted Foods
1. They don't have a lot of ethnic things that I like to cook with/consume. Mentionables include: Matzoh meal & currant juice.
2. They have a limited selection of cheeses. This could easily have been combined with item 1 but I think if you are still reading this you understand the gravity of the situation.
3. The aisles aren't labeled with those handy "WHAT IS IN THIS AISLE" signs
So as you can see from a basic pro/con point of view, I can't bring myself to shop anywhere else really because 4 to 3, Halsted Foods is great.
DIALOGUES
There is a checker-girl who works there that I really like a lot. Let's call her Glasses Check Out Girl. Every time I go in there she gracefully handles my strange questions and perturbed after-work inability to socialize. One time I remember, I asked her desperately, my eyes pulled wide open in my face which is customary after 10+ hours of being on the phone with disgruntled tenants and lawyers all day.
"Do you guys have matzoh meal??"
"What...is that?"
"It's like flour but... it's matzoh..."
"Oh! I think so!"
In a jiffy she scampered off into the landscape of grocery store aisles and emerged with fresh prey: a bag of Masa Meal. "Is this what you were looking for?" I was so sad to tell her it wasn't because she was so in earnest. Also because I really wanted to make chicken matzoh ball soup that night.
Another time I approached her, less crazed but still with searching intensity:
"Do you guys have chai tea?"
"Oh my god! We totally should! Hey Phyllis!" she addressed another employee, "Do we have chai tea?"
"Any black tea would be fine, really." I said almost pleadingly
"Nope." said Phyllis with confidence.
"Sorry, no," Glasses Check Out Girl reiterated.
Just today I met another character at Halsted foods who will be called Cute High School Boy. Cute High School Boy and Glasses Check Out Girl are pretty funny together. I gather that they are friends though I wouldn't be surprised if they are dating (or NEAR-dating: a state of being that I am very familiar with). Anyway, I approached them with my usual apologetic inquiry,
"Do you guys have pancetta?"
"What...is that?" I could tell that Cute High School Boy wanted to be helpful but required more information.
"I don't really know. I think it's ham."
"That would be at the deli then."
"That makes sense!"
They didn't have pancetta but they DID have Polish ham which made me a happy clam. Later, as I was checking out, Cute High School Boy double checked to make sure that I had had a pleasant shopping experience:
"Did you get that ham stuff you needed?"
"Yeah! Well, no. I got different ham but it's good!"
"Cool."
"You know, I have to say that I'm sorry. I feel like every time I come in here I'm 'that neurotic customer.' "
"No," he said comfortingly, "You just always ask for weird things."
Things I Like About Halsted Foods
1. Overall, they are cheap. Except when it comes to butter and eggs. Which is weird but I'm lazy and the produce/canned goods are *so* reasonable. 99 cents for an avocado!
2. The people who work there are all really nice teenagers. As such, they usually laugh when I tell them stupid jokes. Which is gratifying.
3. It is small-ish. I inherited my mother's attention span and therefore I have a difficult time staying on task in major supermarket branches. I usually end up talking to myself in a Russian or German accent just to keep from freaking the fuck out. Also... that goddamned music. Seriously, you can't even imagine how stressed out I was when I realized I was in a Target that also sold groceries.
4. Halsted sells the brand of pickles that I like. Though lately I've been pickling my own veggies.
Things I Don't Like About Halsted Foods
1. They don't have a lot of ethnic things that I like to cook with/consume. Mentionables include: Matzoh meal & currant juice.
2. They have a limited selection of cheeses. This could easily have been combined with item 1 but I think if you are still reading this you understand the gravity of the situation.
3. The aisles aren't labeled with those handy "WHAT IS IN THIS AISLE" signs
So as you can see from a basic pro/con point of view, I can't bring myself to shop anywhere else really because 4 to 3, Halsted Foods is great.
DIALOGUES
There is a checker-girl who works there that I really like a lot. Let's call her Glasses Check Out Girl. Every time I go in there she gracefully handles my strange questions and perturbed after-work inability to socialize. One time I remember, I asked her desperately, my eyes pulled wide open in my face which is customary after 10+ hours of being on the phone with disgruntled tenants and lawyers all day.
"Do you guys have matzoh meal??"
"What...is that?"
"It's like flour but... it's matzoh..."
"Oh! I think so!"
In a jiffy she scampered off into the landscape of grocery store aisles and emerged with fresh prey: a bag of Masa Meal. "Is this what you were looking for?" I was so sad to tell her it wasn't because she was so in earnest. Also because I really wanted to make chicken matzoh ball soup that night.
Another time I approached her, less crazed but still with searching intensity:
"Do you guys have chai tea?"
"Oh my god! We totally should! Hey Phyllis!" she addressed another employee, "Do we have chai tea?"
"Any black tea would be fine, really." I said almost pleadingly
"Nope." said Phyllis with confidence.
"Sorry, no," Glasses Check Out Girl reiterated.
Just today I met another character at Halsted foods who will be called Cute High School Boy. Cute High School Boy and Glasses Check Out Girl are pretty funny together. I gather that they are friends though I wouldn't be surprised if they are dating (or NEAR-dating: a state of being that I am very familiar with). Anyway, I approached them with my usual apologetic inquiry,
"Do you guys have pancetta?"
"What...is that?" I could tell that Cute High School Boy wanted to be helpful but required more information.
"I don't really know. I think it's ham."
"That would be at the deli then."
"That makes sense!"
They didn't have pancetta but they DID have Polish ham which made me a happy clam. Later, as I was checking out, Cute High School Boy double checked to make sure that I had had a pleasant shopping experience:
"Did you get that ham stuff you needed?"
"Yeah! Well, no. I got different ham but it's good!"
"Cool."
"You know, I have to say that I'm sorry. I feel like every time I come in here I'm 'that neurotic customer.' "
"No," he said comfortingly, "You just always ask for weird things."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Twenty Two
I am twenty-two years old. I just moved to Chicago. I love to get drunk and cook elaborate dinners.
Actually, maybe it's misleading to say that I "love" to get drunk and cook dinner. It's more accurate to say that it is just something that I do. Also, the term "elaborate" is used here loosely. If you are a gourmet chef, or a "seafood aficionado" like my uncle (more later, I promise), or a pastry chef who lives in Dubai (I know one) my nightly parade of food preparation might not even raise an eyebrow. But, let's examine the evidence, shall we? It's 10:05 on a Saturday and I just finished making a dozen quiche muffins (quichettes? quichelings?)*, a chicken dish that my favorite recipe book creatively calls, "Chicken with pancetta, peas & mint." I also pickled a cucumber and some left over bell peppers. I am experimenting with different ways to pickle veggies.
My favorite recipe book, incidentally, is called "The Illustrated Quick Cook: time-saving tips, after-work recipes, cheap eats." It is written by Heather Whinney and every time I cook something from it I am satisfied and learn something.
Anyway, I decided to start a blog because it just so happens that I love blogs. Also, sometimes my forays into alcoholic-insight just turn into a silly sloppy mess. Me. Never my food. I also like to write and people tell me I'm okay at it. That's why I'm writing a blog. This was the disclaimer paragraph in case you're looking for something else to read.
See you next time and be sure to stay tuned for all the exciting adventures of Drinks with Dinner.
*filling in quiche: Spinach, red onion, whole grain mustard, salt, pep & an intrepid dash of pumpkin pie spice.
Actually, maybe it's misleading to say that I "love" to get drunk and cook dinner. It's more accurate to say that it is just something that I do. Also, the term "elaborate" is used here loosely. If you are a gourmet chef, or a "seafood aficionado" like my uncle (more later, I promise), or a pastry chef who lives in Dubai (I know one) my nightly parade of food preparation might not even raise an eyebrow. But, let's examine the evidence, shall we? It's 10:05 on a Saturday and I just finished making a dozen quiche muffins (quichettes? quichelings?)*, a chicken dish that my favorite recipe book creatively calls, "Chicken with pancetta, peas & mint." I also pickled a cucumber and some left over bell peppers. I am experimenting with different ways to pickle veggies.
My favorite recipe book, incidentally, is called "The Illustrated Quick Cook: time-saving tips, after-work recipes, cheap eats." It is written by Heather Whinney and every time I cook something from it I am satisfied and learn something.
Anyway, I decided to start a blog because it just so happens that I love blogs. Also, sometimes my forays into alcoholic-insight just turn into a silly sloppy mess. Me. Never my food. I also like to write and people tell me I'm okay at it. That's why I'm writing a blog. This was the disclaimer paragraph in case you're looking for something else to read.
See you next time and be sure to stay tuned for all the exciting adventures of Drinks with Dinner.
*filling in quiche: Spinach, red onion, whole grain mustard, salt, pep & an intrepid dash of pumpkin pie spice.
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