Merry Streptococchristmas!!

I work at a soap/beauty/lotion store. As such, I am required to demonstrate any and all products ONTO my customers while saying encouraging things to them like, "This is SO good for you." Or, "Really, this is SOOO good for you."

Ergo (therefore) I am constantly touching people. It is winter, a month notorious for illness. Massaging every person to walk through our store during this heightened time of germ-trafficking may seem like a dangerous job and actually, you're right. It is. But somebody has to move that product, lest the children begin to suspect that there is no Santa Claus. 

Not surprisingly then, I fell ill on Christmas day.


Christmas Eve, however, was a helluva time. Myself and my Persian friend enjoyed a decidedly unchristian gluten-free meal while babysitting some sick rats. We watched about 20 minutes of Doctor Zhivago (starring Omar Sharif--oh my god what a babe, in fact let's take a pause here for a moment

--okay thank you.) we drank about 30 cups of tea between the two of us, and discussed the finer points of sex and sexuality until we fell asleep. All in all, a grand holiday. The next morning, however, I woke up feeling like my throat was full of garbage and a bit delirious with a fever. I took a cab home and proceeded to NyQuil myself into the land of Nod but not before creating a slew of rather bizarre "holiday" cards for my friends.


The next day I was feeling monumentally better and decided to cook a whole chicken that I had been saving for Christmas. But, now, woefully, Christmas had come and gone and my only memory of the day was being strung out on NyQuil and watching the pilot episode of Lost.

But who cares?!! I manically reassured myself on a wave of post-illness enthusiasm. For all I care today is Christmas all over again! To the kitchens with you, carcass of fowl!!!! And now I would like to share with you Mackenzie's recipe for TOO MUCH Soup.


TOO MUCH Soup

1 whole chicken
big ass pots
1 red onion
garlic cloves until you are crying
blatant disregard for internet recipes
potatoes
a desire to simultaneously make fried chicken
oil
salt
pepper
flour
sugar
coriander
oregano
frozen peas


The first step is to google something similar to this recipe, read half of the first paragraph and then simply forge ahead. Watching muted youtube videos that seem related to what you are doing is also a good idea:

Once you've gotten half way through making TOO MUCH Soup, you should try it and see how it tastes. If it doesn't taste the way you want, just add more pepper. If it tastes exactly perfect, add a dash more pepper and serve hot.