Pestilence

I just killed 6 cockroaches. With poison. It didn't make me feel good the way it should have.

Maybe killing things is overrated. According to all the James Bond movies I've seen and a wide assortment of TV shows and other media sources I am addicted to, killing things is easy, fun and exciting. But in the world of insects, it's actually very upsetting. This doesn't make sense because I'm like 4000x larger than most insects and they are fundamentally stupid, worthless and unwanted.

Okay a good for-instance is spiders. Gross, right? Yeah whatever they eat mosquitos but like...not in my house, okay? Get the fuck out. Do that outside. Lately, though, I've had this growing fear that there is an afterlife. And that this afterlife is ruled by spiders. What if that were true? I wouldn't want to kill spiders in my current life, you know? Then I would be severely punished -- for *eternity* -- BY SPIDERS. This frightens me and so I have stopped killing spiders because I can't handle the potential infinite exposure to 8 legs, hairy bodies and multiple roving, unfocused black eyes.

I did make an exception the other day though when THE BIGGEST SPIDER OF YOUR LIFE broke into my house and was just chilling out next to my bed. [Those weak of heart, beware the pictures below]

I stalk you gently, human. Practiced stillness yields not a limb to quiver.

Of course, killing this spider took an enormous amount of bravery, focus, and a heavy shoe. I was literally squealing with fear even as I towered like the world-dominating mammal that I am over this large-for-its-species-but-still-relatively-small creature. After I killed it, I had to quietly scream for a short while and dance around my house. Sadly for me, this particular insect had a twin brother that came looking for its brethren the following evening.

"Is tha--? SON OF A BITCH."

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIY!!"

Cockroaches are a different matter. I have no qualms about killing them but they kind of ruin my day, you know? It's like "Oh! I think I'll make some peanut butter cookies tonight" No. No you won't. You will discover an intimate get-together of cockroaches enjoying a sort of coffee-date around a stain on the counter top and have to top them off with a healthy dose of Raid.

Aaaaaaand peanut butter cookies no longer seem desirable. In fact, nothing does. Eating seems like a remote, impossible thing that isn't even worth thinking about.